Do not watch Lesbian vampire films with your gay friends

Originally posted on my main blog on Aug 24th 2010

 It's dangerous man!

I love this movie.  Dude, it's funny. My friend Sophia and her girlfriend, were not sharing with the joy at all.

Plot: Fletch and Jimmy have both just been fired and dumped, and decide to have a vacation.  Both being broke agree on a hike in the nearby area.  Soon they find themselves sharing a cabin with a group of college girls.  The girls are there to study the mythology of Carmilla the Queen Vampire.  Unknown to them,  the villagers that sent them to this cabin have been cursed by Carmilla.  On the day of their 18th birthday all the women in the village turn into lesbian vampires.  The cabin is their feeding ground.  Unknown to Jimmy,  he's the last in a line of warriors who can defeat Carmilla and end her curse.  All he needs is a sword of pure steel that is penis shaped.

First off, I know this is going to piss alot of people off, but it was a fun movie.  Done in a comicbook style and in similar fashion to a Scooby-Doo cartoon, you know right off this is not your typical teen vampire movie.   It walks a line closer to From Dusk till Dawn then anything else you've seen lately.  (like a scene where one of the boys are in the bathroom and ends up in a fight with a vampire who's only trace after being killed are her implants)
I thought it was a brilliantly bold move to have the vampires not splatter red blood or black for that matter but infact.... white goo  when killed.  (I'm sorry I thought it was frealing funny stab the chick and she splatters white sticky stuff ) 
There is little to no seriousness to this film, just a lot of laughing.  A nice take on the Carmilla plot, which I have to say I haven't really ever been a fan of Carmilla movies other then Stay Alive.
The running joke that the only way to kill the queen is to "run her through with a large steel rod with a cock shaped handle"  did it for me, I was laughing for the entire film the first time I saw it few months ago, and was just giggling my ass off this round. (yes I bought it!)  My friends did not feel this movie was "productive to feminism". 
My response to my friends was "Nether am I"

This is one of those vampire films that will become a cult classic for late night horror parties.

Vampires Suck-2010

Originally posted on my main blog on Aug20th 2010

Midway through watching last night's TNA Impact on iTunes Canada,  I decided it was perfect vampire movie weather, all dark and thunder storms,  so I went to the cinema

Plot: Becca is the new girl to Sporks and there is something odd about the town.  Vampires run around openly feeding.  When she meets Edward she starts to think of nothing but getting him out of his promise ring. Soon, she's the target of a group of evil vampires and must survive long enough to save Edward at their prom from exposing more then just his sagging butt.  The whole while, turning down Jacob and running from his loyal teenaged groupies. Who will survive this in the end, Team Edward or Team Jacob.

I have to say, this was a light way to spend the afternoon.  Half the jokes are slapstick and would work well in any film.  Half the jokes are only useful if you have seen the Twilight Saga.
Casting did a great job finding look alikes to play the core roles in this film.  The best moment hands down is when Edward is depressed with a large vat of ice cream and flat hair. 

Suck-2009

Originally posted on my blog on Aug 18th 2010

Nobody does a rock and roll movie like a Canadian.   Nobody does a vampire movie like a Canadian.

Plot: The Winners are a struggling band who just had their manager walk out on them in the middle of a tour.  While in Montreal, their bass player is seduced by a 300 year old vampire called Queeny.  Queeny has been turning musicians into the undead for years, and seems to be the best rock n roll manager they've ever had.  Soon the rest of the band decide to bite.  But their biggest fan happens to be Eddie Van Helsing,  a vampire hunter who's following them on every tour stop.


This film is genius pure genius!  With rock legends Alice Cooper, Henry Rollins and Iggy Pop and  Clockwork Orange's Malcolm McDowell how can you go wrong.
This film is set in the same vein as Hard Core Logo was. It takes it's subject just serious enough without coming off as cheesy or fluffy.  The soundtrack is packed from coffin to cross with hard hitting numbers, and the style is pure gloss on grit,  just what a vampire film should be filled with.

"Suck"  is a bit Queen of the Damned and a lot of Hard Core Logo, full on with a few rock video moments and surprising Canadian actor cameos (Danny Smith from Big Wolf On Campus plays a gas station clerk) that have you laughing out loud at just the right times.  Moby as a heavy metal meat freak was an interesting twist.

And let's face it,  Vampires and Rock n Roll go together like well, Vampires and Rock n Roll

I rented this off iTunes Canada, but I think I'll be hitting the record store later and splashing out on a copy of the DVD.

Aug 10th 2010

I hate days like today.     My computer had a slight meltdown and I lost like 70% of my stuff.   Photos, essays, videos, music etc.

I was going to weeks ago, do a review on the movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers"   and have no idea what direction to tackle it.   Let's face it,  with a title like that you know it's not politically correct.

I was thinking too of transferring a bunch of old posts from my other blogs like my Alucard's Rose  but thought what was the purpose of that? 

I'm not currently reading any vampire books.   However I did just finish reading  Emma and the Vampires for review.   So you can read that here 
Safe to say, when I have my head screwed on straight, I'll be back to my vampires in full force.   I'm actually looking forward to a few new vampire films coming out soon.   "Vampires Suck",  and "Suck" (starring Alice Cooper)  

Till then.... Creeping Screams!

Scorpions -Woman

Found this on youtube. One of my favourite vampire videos of all time. Love how it mixes the movie the Hunger with Dracula, and just a hint of the short story Girl with the Hungry Eyes.
I know that whomever up loaded it lists it as only having been shown in Europe, but Canada did get this one. It was only allowed after 8pm here because of the Nudity though so it did not get alot of air time back then.

Video- Night Moves by Marilyn Martin

Found this on youtube. Classic 80's video remake of a classic 80's vampire movie the Hunger

Jane Slayre Reveiw

Another of the Monster-Lits that are mixing classic novels with Buffy themes.

Plot: Jane Slayre is left orphaned when her family are attacked by vampires. Sent to live with her aunt and cousins who are themselves vampires she is treated like a common servant. In time, Jane is sent to boarding school, where she has to deal with zombies and Voodoo Priests. She graduates and gets a job working as a governess. Here, she learns the house is a readied cage for a werewolf. Distraught Jane runs away to a small village where her Slayre roots are strong and side by side with her new found family/skills she defends the town from more vampires until she is once again needed by her former employer.

I just read this for book club and found it delightful. There were moments when it seemed to drag on, almost like it was trying to cover too many monsters at once.
I don't know how I feel about the zombies to be honest. I think the re-author of this one spent too much time on the zombies and not enough with the history of the vampires. The vampires just seem to be there without any real explanation as to how they got there or why, where as the zombies are given a back history and purpose.
The werewolves too, seemed like they were only added to be added. Though, I do understand the choice of a werewolf as Bertha's character.

I have get to have the book club meeting for this one, so it will be interesting to see if the rest of the book club liked it and what they think.

If two lunatics were on a train

Doctor Seward has sent you this assignment. It's due before the end of class Agent 807. And do try to be neat.


Q: What was the disease that was focused on in the story Dracula?


A: Syphilis

Q: Why do you think that Bram Stoker used blood as the conductor in the novel?

A: Medical science was starting to uncover more at that time and fear ran amok. People of Victorian England were afraid of being contaminated by not just actual diseases like Syphilis, but by immigrants. Prostitution was on the rise at that time as well, which coupled with the idea of women gaining power, put fear of becoming "unclean" in the minds of many.

Q: What is Renfield's Syndrome?

A: The name given to the disorder (mental as this disease has no way been proven to be connected to a physical issue) where one is driven to search out blood with the idea they must drink it or starve.

Q: Who first called it that and why?

A: Psychologist Richard Noll (or Nole? not too sure on the spelling) He named it after the character in the novel who is obsessed with the idea of eating(drinking) blood from smaller creatures in fear that if he did not, he would loose power. (though the power is never spelled out that way the book keeps saying lives/souls)


Very nicely done Agent 807 . This has brought your grade up to a B-

Daybreakers

A world run by vampires. A world run by vampires who are short on blood. That is the baseline for this drama/horror.

Edward is a vampire scientist who has less then a month to find the recipe for a blood replacement or the world's population will be dead.
Humans are already on the endangered species list, and soon the vampire will be too. The shortage of blood has led many to feed on themselves and each other creating a new breed of vampire who is more primal and more dangerous then anything they could imagine.

I always have preferred my vampires to be gruesome and dark. This film is smart and filled with just enough blood to make any die hard vamp fan happy.
It's set in the near future, 2019, in a world that has been run by a corporation instead of a government. With a mix of modern technology and 1940's style it's a smooth and believable ride.

The Different Reasons Most Used

Agent 807
A new slayer is to be called. You are to become a new watcher. If you can pass the finals.
What are the three most common reasons that vampires exist? And Do try to be realistic.

1. Supernatural. A race of vampires that are not really human to begin with like from space or a demon recalled.
2. Lab sickness. Usually while in the search for a cure for something else, a mutation of the human DNA creates a virus.
3. Natural evolution. An offshoot of humans who have developed along with us.

Excellent. Now, Agent 807, what are some field cases of the three most used vampires?

1. Virus (Lab Sickness) such as Red Blooded American Girl, Rein of Blood, Against the Dark and Perfect Creature
2. Supernatural (demons or aliens) such as Vamperella, Lifeforce, Shock'em Dead, Stay Alive, and the Stuff
3. Natural Evolution. such as Bram Stoker's Dracula, Nightbreed, and Underworld

You have just passed your first level exams.

It's Your Coffin My Love Enjoy It

So, I was adding some new vampire related posts to D/D in semi-impatientness of the two big dvd releases of the latest vampire movies this week. Daybreakers and Lesbian Vampire Killers. (which I am sure by the time you read this I will have rented and done a review on)

I'm not totally sure how this blog will roll to be honest. If it will be strictly reviews or if it will have a comedy edge to the posts. I've done straight up reviews for the last few years and am very greatly toying with the idea of doing this with a little more personality